Getting an attitude

The Definition of an attitude:

1. A manner of thinking, feeling, or behaving that reflects a state of mind or disposition.
2. Arrogant or aggressive disposition or behavior.
3. A position of the body or manner of carrying oneself: synonym: posture.

As a kid, we are usually TOLD when we have a bad attitude. You might have heard, or may have said to your kids or teens, “you need to change that bad attitude”. I think that attitude has had a very negative representation, for the most part. Sure, people can have a good attitude. But, if you stop to think about it, we typically don’t voice, “MAN! You have such a good attitude!” Often times we recognize the negative before the positive.

As a grown woman, there were times when hubby came home from work, and YES, I had a bad attitude. There were times that I had become extremely selfish and that attitude showed through expression, coldness, words, body language, or lack of effort toward serving my family. Definitely not a good attitude. Getting into that state of mind has consequences, personally and for the whole family.

I knew when I had a bad attitude toward things in life. It never felt good. No matter what the decisions of others were, I had a choice to switch my manner of thinking. Why? Because my manner of thinking is MINE. It is MY responsibility. It is up to me. That seemed so challenging, but it was not impossible.

And, of course, I would usually take a breather and feel refreshed, decide that it wasn’t worth it to stay in that frame of mind, for my kids and husbands sake mostly. Who wants to live with a Negative Nancy?! I don’t!

What I am talking about is the normal ebb and flow of emotions raising a family, being a mom, being a wife, and growing in the Lord. There are challenges that come and we have choices to make. We forgive, we ask for forgiveness, we learn, we mature. Having a good attitude helps with that.

I would honestly say that I chose to have a good attitude in most difficult times and let things go. It was the Holy Spirit in me, reminding me of what Christ did for me that led me to do the same.

But can I tell you something? That is much more easy to do when things are going well. When you feel capable. When you feel refreshed after a nights sleep or a nasty head cold has finally finished in the house.

I cannot tell you when it exactly happened. I cannot recall the start. I really started to notice weird things with my health after our daughter was born. I started to have these strange pains in my body, headaches, weakness, loss of appetite, exhaustion, strong heart palpitations, and skin that couldn’t stand to be touched. These symptoms grew over a period of two to three years. I would find myself in the doctor’s office asking them for a reason. What is going on with me? The professionals always went back to mental health and an attempt to put me on antidepressants. This grew a frustration in me as I would have to defend my mental state to my family doctor’s team. It was every six months that I would find myself going into the clinic to ask for help. Finally they said they could prescribe pain meds but that they would have side affects. I decided against these pills because I just couldn’t have ONE MORE THING WRONG and I did not trust the pharmaceuticals. I knew too many people on medications that wouldn’t work, have to be adjusted, caused more problems, and sometimes needed meds for the medicine’s mistakes.

The more the pain and symptoms continued, the more fear grew in my heart. I couldn’t let people know that as a homeschooling mom, I was suffering. I could barely get myself out of bed in the morning and then had to lay down for one to two hours in the afternoon. The pain was getting worse, the symptoms were so strange, and it began to feel impossible to even explain to people what was going on. I had to keep it together so that I didn’t worry others – especially my kids. It was embarrassing to constantly tell people how I was truly feeling because I was getting tired of hearing it myself. I NEVER wanted to be someone who was always sick or complaining. Eventually it was difficult to hide and people began to become concerned, too – especially my family. The mountain in my life was growing on top of me and it felt like it was crushing me. Why did I felt like I was in a prison? It was getting more and more challenging to even imagine myself as healthy and whole. What was it like to have a day without pain and exhaustion?

Finally, one weekend, things became more serious. I honestly felt like I was dying. My husband took our four kids to his parents and drove me an hour and a half to a hospital, in the largest city near us. We sat in the ER with a large group of very sick people. Of course, we had to wait. They ran an ECG while we waited and, once again, found nothing. After 14 hours, we finally were granted access to a physician. “We aren’t leaving until we get an answer,” we told them. They heard us, ran lots of blood work, and we waited some more. When the blood work finally came through, the physician told us that there was nothing serious they could see. The conclusion was that they were going to refer us to an internist but we would have to wait, again.

A couple of months later we saw the internist, who drew more blood, and found….nothing. Yet, after the list of symptoms and their professional history with other patients, they came to the conclusion that Fibromyalgia was the condition. It was a condition that doctors could not explain and could not find quantitative results through the blood work. The internist said that, based on other cases, this would be a life long battle, that I could expect to live a different life, that the pain would at least stay the same or get worse, but would never go away. Possibly, with exercise, therapy, drugs, and a low key lifestyle I could “tame the disease”.

WHAM! I thought that knowing would help, that hearing a diagnosis would free me from the mystery of what was going on. Instead, I was now seeing my future in a bleak way and I felt the pain but I also felt totally defeated and in shock. My future now seemed like something I had to cope with, battle out physically, and change my expectations.

I decided that I was going to live my life the same way and not give in. After all, I had kids! I had enough stubbornness toward changing my lifestyle, but not enough to rise above the disease. I was exhausted, weak, and scared. I began to feel more comfort in finding people who suffered in the same way, than in the WORD of God… Not good.

It frustrated me so much that my husband and I were leading a small group of believers and this seemed to be “conquering” us. I didn’t want this disease to be louder than healing. I didn’t want to be speaking one thing and feeling like a walking billboard for sickness.

During this time a lovely couple began attending our house church. They slowly started to share with us about a ministry they followed online and had gently given us a video link to some incredible healing stories. I watched one of the stories about a young woman who suffered terribly, MUCH more than I had, with Fibromyalgia. BUT, her story turned into a healing testimony that spoke so mightily to my heart. Hearing THE WORD of God and the impact it had on her, made me really listen to verses in the Bible that I had never truly heard or put together. I had believed that sometimes God allowed sickness to bring about testimony. I had believed that healing was real but probably not for me; especially after so many times of prayer, crying out, and literally being on my face before the Lord. I don’t remember hearing that GOD TRULY WANTED ME WELL, that ALL sickness is from the enemy, and, that I could be free if I just believed.

Suddenly, I got an attitude toward this disease. No more! I was not going to have it! I began to rebuke the pain, the name Fibromyalgia, and the symptoms. I grew such a defiance against the plans the enemy had to steal, kill, and destroy me. I wasn’t going to allow the enemy to stop what Jesus came to give (John 10:10). I learned that my words were powerful (Proverbs 18:21) and I had a choice to speak to the mountain in my life (Mark 11:23). My good attitude for life grew because I started to understand what Jesus paid for it. Not just the forgiveness of my sins (Praise God for that!), BUT by His stripes I was already provided healing, over 2000 years ago (Isaiah 53:5). When Jesus said, “It is finished!” (John 19:30), He meant it! I had to believe and not doubt. And guess what?! It wasn’t an overnight healing, but it was a steady progression through the transformation of my thinking (Romans 12:2) and an OBVIOUS change in my body. There were times that I had to speak to my skin, body, and whatever symptom would try to pop up. My husband began to do the same with me and for me – Praise God! I had to begin to agree with God’s word and not what I felt, not what the doctors called it or told me my future would be, and not even what others would say. Please DO NOT take me the wrong way. I think doctors are important and have huge abilities to help people, BUT they are LIMITED and my HOPE is NOT in doctors.

When I look back at the definition of attitude, I know that my manner of thinking needs to be 2 Corinthians 10:5:

^“Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;“

My feelings are based on John 10:10:

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”

And my behaviour has had to reflect God’s state of mind and disposition towards me (John 3:16, John 10:10, and Isaiah 53:5).

I have had to become confident and aggressive towards the enemy of my life .

I decided to grow such an attitude toward this sickness and speak to the mountain, based on my Heavenly Father’s words, and believe that it was finally finished and conquered. That believing happened even when the symptoms in me were trying to tell me otherwise. I began to see myself well and doing what God had placed in my heart to do.

Praise God, I am free!